Another me but not me

  Ever since I was a kid, others have always bullied me. Never a day I will be left without being bruised. Until now, these abuses have never decrease even though my parents transferred me from school to school. I never knew why they would bully me. It got worse one day when I secretly found out that my parents’ business went down and I have no choice but to stay in the current school. It hurts me but I tried to keep the bullying as a secret. Although my parents never mention anything, I still carefully picked my words and lied to them that I met lots of friend in this school. I knew lying wasn’t a good thing to do but it makes me comfortable to see my mother’s relieved face once a while.

   Like usual days, Cody, the head of the bullies called out to me. Of course I was scared but it’s more terrifying if I do ignore him. I went over close enough for him and his gang to drag me to the back of the school. Because of this precautions, no one ever suspect any case of such hobby. In his group were mostly girls and they despised me. Cody and the other boy member, Jonathan would always stay silent while the other three girls would do the bullying. The boys shouldn't have joined them in doing such thing but I wondered why they do so. The leader of the girls, Samantha was the most cruel of them all. She would entertain herself by making me buy juice for her and asked for tea instead when I returned.

  That one day, I was wearing a precious watch. Despite the debts my parents had to pay, they still gave it to me for my last birthday. When I was called by the group, I slowly put both hands in the pocket, hopefully they wouldn't notice. Unfortunately, Samantha got a glimpse of it and she snatched it from me. She looked at it jealously, as the watch was really an expensive one. She dropped it purposely while saying it slipped. I was so mad and for once I break out of my shell. I scolded her and slapped her hard on the face. She was dumbfounded at first and when she came to her senses, she pushed me away from her and started trampling the watch.

  “How dare you slap me? Do you know who am I? I'll make you regret for your action!” She yelled at me with anger while adding more force to her stomp. I could only watched in horror as the pieces of the watch shatters. 

  Cody realized that she was overdoing it, so he stopped her. She looked at him shockingly and he just turned away after looking at me. I think he saw the tears that were flowing down my cheeks that I haven’t notice until he stopped her. They left me alone when they realized the sober air that lingers among us. After they left me, I squat down and picked up the broken pieces of the watch and hugged them dearly.

  

  At the end of class, I quickly packed my bag and ran for the door. I wanted to avoid eye contact with Samantha. At the same time, I wanted to let out my tears that's about to burst out. As I ran, I felt a sharp pain on my knees. I pulled up my skirt a little and saw that blood was flowing down. I must have scratched myself when Samantha pushed me away hard.

  When I got home, I made sure that I looked fine before entering. Sure enough my mom was waiting for me. She asked me if I want to have lunch but I told her that I wasn’t hungry. I was  quite famished but I lost my appetite when I thought about the watch she gave me a week ago. Besides, I didn’t want her to know about it. I went up to my room and got my first aid kit. After I’m done, I walked towards the mirror. There is where I poured my feelings and talked to. Yes, to my reflection, the only friend I could talk to. There I could act as bitchy as I want or strong and aggressive; the personality that I couldn't bring to the outside world. It was like a whole different me but I couldn’t gather enough courage to do so with others. The good thing is research showed that talking to ourselves can make us smarter. Though, that never really cheer me.

     But after what happened to my precious treasure earlier, I just stared at my reflection for a long time. I didn’t know what to say, as I was so frustrated at how weak I was.

    "So…erm.. something bad happened to me today…" I paused and look at my pathetic face. "Heh… Who am I kidding.. I want a friend that can really respond and talk to me… What did I do, to deserve this kind of life style…" My vision started to blur with tears. I quickly use the back of my hands to wipe it off but it still doesn't stop. Even after I thought it has stopped, I kept sniffing and I can't help it but to looked at myself -the mess-up face- again.

  
   As sun set for the day, I was still sitting there at the same spot until my feet went numb, as if to atone my sin of wearing such a precious gift to school. 

  “I wished I could be someone better, someone better than me.” Breaking the moment of silence, I muttered under my breath while tears flows down again my red cheek. After I realized wishing in front of the mirror wouldn’t help me, I went over to my bed. Lying on the soft mattress, trying to get some sleep but I could only stare at the ceiling. Thinking about the awful event that happened made me sleep while wetting my pillows.

  The sunlight from the chink of my curtain woke me up with the sound of bird chirping nearby. Still feeling the breeze of the morning air, as I forgotten to close the window the day before, I cocooned myself under the comforter. I looked through the little open air I made for myself; the table clock was there. The hands showed seven in the morning. It was very early for me as I am not an early bird nor do I have any special occasion going on, especially on weekends. From my bed, my feet took me to the bathroom to wash up and then it took me close to the mirror. It felt weird and at the same time I looked at my reflection; the messy brown shoulder-length hair, eyes swollen from crying last night and the flushed red cheeks. Even though I see myself in the mirror, but somehow I felt it was someone else looking at me. Out of sudden, my reflection turned into someone else. Someone I have never met before in my whole life! Instantly I dropped on the floor and screamed at the top of my lungs. My parents heard my scream and rushed to my aid.

  “What’s the matter, darling?” My dad held me close to him while my mum sat by his side.

  “There’s someone else! In the mirror…the-“ I was pointing at the mirror with both eyes shut closed. My parents didn’t react to my expectation so I slowly opened my eyes. It was me, just my parents and I in the reflection of the mirror.

  “Erm… well.. you’re probably imagining stuff because I see a happy little family of mine” My mum assured me. I knew I sounded crazy and maybe she was right. I was imagining stuff. I apologized to them and let them walked out of my room.

  I shut the door behind me and dropped down on my knees. I thought everything is fine now but strangely enough, I heard a lovely voice inside my head.

  “I’ll be borrowing your body and will make miracles happen” echoed the voice in the back of my head. I swore I heard someone talking, other than myself.

  

  “What just happened to me??” I asked myself.

 

   Suddenly my body started moving on its own towards the mirror, I panicked. 

  “Is this what happen when you fall into depression?” I thought to myself.

  After a while, the same voice replied. “Don’t worry, I have been watching you for quite sometime, and I understand your situation. So, I’m just going to borrow your body and make your life better. In exchange, you’ll also have to help me.”

  I was aghast and I felt as if my tongue was tied that I couldn’t find words to reply.

  “Er..Erm…W-who are you??” I didn’t know where to look so I just looked at my reflection while speaking. Waiting for a reply, I kept looking closer at myself. Before that, I looked around in case if anyone was around. I bet if my mom suddenly came in, she would think that something is wrong with me. Well, something is wrong with me considering I always talk to myself.

   “Hello Lily, my name is Elizabeth but you can call me Lizzy. I’m just a wandering soul who needed a body to help me with something. Before that, I’ll help you first.” I was scared when she mentioned my name but I calmed down when I heard her sweet giggle.

  "H-hello… Lizzy… wait! How do I know that you're are a part of my imagination? I'm kind of in a delusional state at the moment!" I confirmed myself while nodding my head.

  "Well, I can't really prove that I'm real but I am! You just have to trust me…" She sighed after a while. Guess she really can't prove that since she's been thinking of an answer.

   I knew that I wasn’t supposed to trust strangers ( Well, in this case, invincible stranger) and deep down I didn’t like what’s going on. Somehow, I felt this could change my life for good.

  “Er..Okay.. So basically you are going to borrow my body…” I didn’t know what else to reply. I hesitantly accepted her offer even though I didn’t really believe in this kind of miracle that was sent to me to change my life.

                                  *                                        *                                  *

   What happened before was a blank until I opened my eyes and found that I was walking in a dark hallway. I must have slept after Lizzy possessed me and I think I'm sleep walking because my memory felt a little hazy. I don’t remember coming here nor have any collection of being here, as I was walking trying to find a way out, fear suddenly overcome me. So, I started to run as fast as I can, not caring how tired I am, as long as I can escape from this dark hall. Panting, I kept searching for an escape route but there were no doors around. Just when I was almost out of breathe, I saw a wooden door right in front of me. I ran as fast as I could to reach that door. When I walked in, the foul smell of corpse stung my nostril. Everywhere I looked, there were split body parts. I was stunned especially when the faces were familiar. I screamed and wanted to run for the door, but the door is nowhere to be seen.

  “What’s happening? What happened?” My whole body shivers in fear.

  “Mum… Dad… even Samantha’s here…” My blood went cold when they were all eyes on me. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  The cacophony of grieves voices and groans can be heard. They kept repeating the same word…

  Murderer, murderer, murderer…

  “No! I’m not! Leave me alone! I’m not a murderer!” I kept defending myself. Suddenly I felt my hands were sticky and greasy. I held both hands and I saw crimson red liquid covering every part of my fingers and some flows down onto my palms. I was shaken and I lost my strength to stand. I was psychology harmed and I just sat still while the bodies start moving on its own towards me.

  “How do you like my beautiful art?” Suddenly, someone hold on my jaw from the back, “I’m definitely the best serial killer ever!” Lizzy’s sinister laugh echoed in my head.

  “No! No! Argh~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!” I let out a loud scream.

  At that moment, the faces kept rotating in my mind, I didn’t know what to do right now… Everything is spinning in spiral….

  “AH!”

   I sat up from my bed and facing the closet in front of me, I was horrified!

   After I recovered, I found myself in a familiar room. My heart was throbbing and I’m covered in cold sweat. I slowly cool myself down and I felt the stung on my scratched knee, which confirmed me that I'm in reality.

  “It was just a dream! Thank God!” I silently muttered to myself while walking towards the mirror. I looked at my sweat soaked face and the messy hair. I'm glad I looked like an ordinary girl. The longer I stare, my face turned into the face of a murderer. I instantly pushed the mirror away and crouched into a ball. Wishing that image would just go away.

  “Are you okay?” My eyes widen when I remembered that Lizzy is still here. I hesitantly confirm if it's really a dream and her "true" identity.

  “W-why are you here? Get out of me!! I said get out of me, you murderer!!”

  “Hmm? What's the matter? Murderer? ” I knew I sounded stupid when Lizzy just laughed at me but then she turned serious to confirm my doubts."I never kill anything in my life… What happened? Did I do anything bad?"

  She sounded so innocent that I couldn't point fingers at her. I'm not even sure whether I'm scared or just confused by the dream and reality.

   "Urgh…It's okay… I'm at fault, forget about it…." I slapped my face slowly, thinking that I have got insane after a moment of silence.

  “Don’t worry about it, I just came. It’s not your fault. It's a new experience and I'm pretty sure not much people will experience these kind of thing.”

  “Well…I’m just glad that I’m still leading a normal life…” I sighed. Well, now I feel imbecilic. I immediately start my daily routine when I realized that's no point sulking on what is done.

  When the weekend was over, I went to school like normal days. As usual, during break time, Cody and the gang called me out. At first, I was hesitating, but with Lizzy’s encouragement, I got close to them. Again, they dragged me away to a place where no one would notice and started abusing me. For a moment I was really scared, but Lizzy’s lovely voice echoed in my head.

  “Don’t worry, I promised you to change your life.”

  Before I could answer Lizzy, Samantha raised her hand and was ready to slap my face. I'm guessing it's because I was ignoring her while listening to Lizzy. Anyway, I was too scared to react, so I just shut my eyes tight.

  Suddenly, my hand moved on its own and grabbed Samantha’s hand. At that moment, Samantha and the gang was stunned, even Cody was too.

  “Who do you think you are?” Lizzy snapped at her through my mouth. “Are you my friend? Are you my sister? Or even my mother? Who are you to have the rights to bully me! I was born to be a normal high school girl and to lead a normal life, not to let you bunch of idiots to bully me! I am a human, not an animal…wait… same goes to animals, I have dignity, pride and our lawful rights to live!”

   "Oh dear, she's provoking Samantha! Now I'm so dead!" I thought to my scaredy cat self.

   However, after saying those words, I panted very hard as I’ve used all my energy to yell at them. At the same time, I couldn’t describe how I feel right now, it is like throwing a hundred pound of weight off me.

  "Oh crap!" I thought to myself. Suddenly I feel like crying right now, not because I was sad but I was relieved. Just when I thought the devil in disguise would resume her slap on me, Samantha and the gang went speechless. Quickly, I take my chance and walked away with tears rolling down to my cheek.

  Ever since that day, Lizzy helped me in many situations. In the eyes of everybody else, I was a whole different person, someone who’s nice and treats everybody equally. Not only that but also high in charisma, attractive and have a wonderful personality. What they don’t know is, that’s Lizzy all along and those characteristic are much the opposite of me. She even made Samantha apologized to me. Since that day, Samantha and the gang who bullied me for pleasure had stopped their devilish "hobby" and made friends with me. Everyone who was strangers to me became my friends.

  At some point, despite her good intention, I felt as if she’s trying to steal my life and I wished she never came. Slowly I kept feeling like they wouldn’t want me back after Lizzy had done her business here. Whenever Lizzy took over, I’m always in a dark endless space looking through the windows of my eyes. Being in the same body, she heard my thoughts so she comforted me that if I continue my status right now, they will still remain as my friend. She also told me the reason of why I was always being bullied after all this time. It is mainly because of my timid self and shyness, that makes people releases all their anger and tension on me since I was an easy target.

  She talks to me and shares stories with me every night and whenever we alone. Vice versa, I also talked to her a lot. It’s like I have a personal best friend that only I could talk to. Before I realize, we were like two inseparable best friends.

  After a couple of days since she came, my life has gone easier and the bully has totally decreased. As promised, I will help her in exchange of what she’s done for me. So, that night I hesitantly asked her. Honestly, I hope that my problem will not be fixed so she could stay by my side longer.

  “So… as I promised, I will help you… W-what do you want me to do” I didn’t want to remind her of her unfinished business but I did anyway.

  

  There was a pause and that’s unusual, as she always replied right after people asked her questions. After a while, she replied with a soft voice and she doesn’t sound very happy about how finally she can do what she’s supposed to. She began with her past.

 Apparently, she was a rich man's daughter. She was trained since young to become an etiquette and delicate lady. Hence, she learned to read people’s psychology and knows the manners in doing most things. Moreover, she’s high educated and had a proper life. However, she ran into accident one day and she was comatose ever since. The doctors had confirmed that she’s brain dead and there’s no chance of her waking up from the slumber. She gladly accepted her fate but there’s someone is keeping her here, her fiancée. He didn’t want to believe the doctors and he’s been waiting by her side all the time. He didn’t sleep, eat or leave the room. Both his parents and her parents convinced him that she will never come back but he didn’t care. Everyone was very worried but couldn’t do anything.

  What Lizzy asked from me is to visit him and convince him again. What he’s been doing right now is bad for his health and it’s risking his life. She doesn’t want her loved one to suffer because of her and that is why she badly needs to borrow a body to tell him straight and so she became a wandering soul.

  When Lizzy told me, I could hear her sobbing through her trembling voice. I knew I had to do it fast as her fiancée is suffering and so is she, in the inside. So, the next day, I spared some free time, I made my move to the hospital that Lizzy directed me to. It was located in the neighboring town, which is where Lizzy come from, but I’m glad it only took an hour ride. I walked in casually past the reception counter, as she told me the room’s location by direction. I went into a private room with the number 432 and the moment I stepped in, I come across a dip lighted room. The windows were cover by curtains, with only light escape from the end of each curtain sides. In the white sanitized room, the most beautiful figure was lying on the bed, which I could guess that’s Lizzy. She looked exactly how I imagined. Her wavy golden hair was flowing down like a vine; her lips were as red as cherry and with her skin as fair as snow. The only thing lacking about her is that she seems lifeless, like a doll. Next to her, there’s a man not older than thirty just stared at her. He wasn’t very much older than me but he seems older due to the fatigue and lack of food. He turned to take a look at the uninvited guest; the dark circles and bulky eye bags can be seen. His hair had outgrown its original length and his cheeks sinks into his jaws. His handsome face is no longer there since he looked like an undead zombie.

   I was afraid that he might chase me out, I stepped back a little with a silly smile on my face. He turned away and told me about his fiancée’s condition without caring who am I. I was about to stop him, as I already knew of her condition but there seems to be some missing puzzle. There were a few informations that I wasn't aware of and Lizzy hid it from me. 

  

   Apparently, they’ve been together ever since young, so you could say that they are childhood friends and he loved her very much ever since then. He didn’t want to give up on her even when the whole world is against him. For that, he stayed by her side, hoping for a miracle to happen.

  The truth is, the accident happened was because of him. He was with a female colleague of his on that day when it happened. They were shopping. That woman had feelings for him and she would do anything to be with him. Knowing him, he’s been in love with Lizzy and also had been engaged to her, but she still takes advantage of him.

  “I’ll leave you if you promise to accompany me this Saturday. After that, I will never again bother you.” She snapped and her eyes burned with jealousy. He was the only man she fell for and she’s not going to let him go that easily.

  “Those were the words that she told me. Of course I agreed, in order for her to leave me alone. However, things didn’t turn right. Since she was the one shopping, she led the whole way. I didn’t know where we were or our next destination. All I did was hope that Lizzy didn’t found out at all, as I did this for her.” His voice was shaken and his hands started trembling.

  “I thought I was doing the right thing! I realized that it is wrong to be going out with another woman when she started groping me like I was hers. I tried pushing her away and tried to run but I didn’t know where exactly I was. What really stabbed my heart like a sharp blade was, Lizzy was there. She stared disbelief at the sight of us being here in a deserted place together. Naturally, I pushed the woman further and started walking towards her. I could see grief and sadness in her glassy eyes and her cheeks flushed. When I got closer, she begun avoiding me and eventually started running”

   He stopped for a while. Taking a deep breathe and wipe his tears with his sleeves before he continued.

  “She ran and ran further away from me. I was chasing her at a distance and there were too many people blocking my way. In the sea of people, I have to struggle my way to her. Just when I caught up to her, I immediately hold onto her wrist. We were near the crossroad with a few people surrounded us. There, she looked at me again. This time, her face was wet with her tears and her cheeks were as red as tomato. She shook my hand off and began running from me again. But…but… the lights turned red and there was a truck.. a big truck…. the driver tried honking..” He totally stopped and started shedding tears again. This time, he took a deeper breath and stopped for quite some time.

  “S-she..was..hit… I-I ran towards her but there was blood everywhere. The blood kept coming out from her. My heart stopped for a moment, as I was so scared of losing her! She looked at me with her soulless eyes, as if she’s going to leave me. She held her bloody hands close to my face. Instantly I got hold of her hand. I can feel her temperature, fading off… her hand… kept getting colder… colder than a normal human’s body temperature should be! Even at that critical moment, she managed to tell me that she loved me. A bystander saw the whole thing and called the ambulance. After she was taken to the emergency ward, her parents came rushing. I told her that she was inside. As soon as the light’s off, I was the first one to run to the doctor. He told us that she’s still alive but was comatose. I was partly glad that she’s alive, as I wanted to explain to her the situation. However, it worsens by the minute and the doctor can no longer helped her and asked for our permission to pull off the oxygen mask, as she’s now brain dead.”

  “But…, there’s no way….that I could give up on her… She is my fiancée, how can I give up on her? I… I still have to explain everything to her…, I bet she’s waiting for my explanation…. No, I can’t give up on her…. No…” He kept gripping on his head while saying it, as if he’s suffering from nervous breakdown….

  I felt so bad as he does sounded a little like me before Lizzy came to my life. Despite that, I gathered my courage and told him my reason for visiting.

  After I'm done, he just stared disbelief and he shook his head hard no matter how true can my statement is. He wanted to chase me out of the room. Suddenly, a dark space occupied my conscious. After a few second, I realized Lizzy has taken over my body. Looks like Lizzy must have lost her patience watching her lover turned into someone else. For that, she slapped him. He was about to scold her for doing so, she replied him with a different tone and somehow he responded to her. Through the window of my eyes, I could see that he stumbled and his eyes widen. He wanted to say something but instead tears rolled down his skinny cheek as he recognized his beloved’s tone. Part of him wanted to believe that she was really in me, as for the other half don’t. Shaking off the weird feeling, he began chasing me out again. Lizzy shook his hands off and faced him eye to eye.

  “Please I beg of you, Raymond! Please move on with your life! You are still young, so find another girl and be happy. I can’t move on with you sulking over me all the time. Even I knew that it’s impossible for me to return.” Lizzy cried, hoping that he will listen and understand. For me being inside the same body, I could feel the intense sadness that she was feeling and I knew that I was crying too. 

  “You really don’t have to feel guilty for my misfortune. It's not your fault. I was just careless and misunderstood the situation. I trusted you and I knew you would never betray me. I love you…so please…move on” Lizzy continued.

  Raymond stood there long, without any reaction or reply. He didn’t know what to do, what to believe or whether he should cry out loud when he heard that his lover is having a hard time because of him. She went closer to him and hugged him. She knew how he was feeling, as she understood him the most. It took him long enough to finally understood and decided to let her go.

  “I’m sorry… I…I love you too. I didn’t want you to leave but.. but if that’s what you want, then..I-I will let you go.” He said between sobs with his hand gripped into a fist. I knew he was acting tough,  but deep down, he was heart broken for he loses her a second time.

  Lizzy asked me if she could give him a goodbye kiss. I couldn’t say no and ruin the moment, so I silently nodded a yes to her. When her request got approved, she slowly moved her lips closer to him and pressed it against his.

  I could feel the warmness of the kiss and a little saltiness because of the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. Before I realized, he was kissing me instead. Lizzy must have move on when he had finally let her go and bid her with the kiss. A silent “thank you” was heard and at the same time, the heartbeat monitor let out a sharp noise indicates that the soul is no longer here.  I saw his sad close-up face and I could feel that he knew, Lizzy was no longer here, as he began holding on to me tightly. He didn’t want it to end the last kiss they share, so he just remained his dry lips on mine for quite sometime.

  When it ended, he dropped to his knees and let out his frustration and tension while holding Lizzy’s cold right hand close to his skinny face. The hand which wore the engagements ring that he gave her a week before the incident. I could only stand there and watched him shed his tears while letting out his feelings that he's holding on until now. I slowly walked near to the bed and stared at the ring, as the doctors rushed in to confirm her death. Just when the doctors cover her with the white sheet, I caught a glimpse of crystal beads of water drop from the corner of her eyes and through her temples. I was rest assured that she was finally free and in a better place.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *      *     *

  I was holding a bouquet of Lilies as it represents me and it was also Lizzy’s favorite flower. I came here to visit Lizzy, who has move on and can finally rest in peace. Before I reached her grave, I saw two figures standing right in front of it. As I walked closer, I could see a familiar face and another girl. He turned around and greeted me. Instantly I blushed because I shared my first kiss with him a long time ago. Raymond looked better than the last time I saw him, which was a decade ago. He regained his handsome face again and he was neat and tidy. From the look of his dressing, I’m positive that he had a promising future and a job that can support him and his family.

  Besides him is his girlfriend, or should I say his soon-to-be fiancée, Judy. She was too Lizzy’s best friend. Apparently, she comforted him at Lizzy’s funeral and they got together somehow. The both of them were close to Lizzy so they understand each other. I could say that I’m happy for the both of them and I’m sure my girlfriend here does too. If I could see her right now, I know a wide and warm smile she will have on her face, just like the picture on her marbled tomb.

  “Mummy, mummy!!!”  Suddenly, a voice from a distance can be heard. The three of us turned around to look while the little boy ran towards me and instantly hugged me. I smiled at him and returned his hug. I lifted my head a little to look at the man that was walking right behind the boy. He smiled warmly back at me and offered his hand. I bid the two lovebirds goodbye and let him led the way. His hand felt so warm and big holding onto my fragile hand. The hand of the man I loved so much and dedicated my life to. A man I called my husband, a man who’s named Cody. Yes, indeed. The man who has been bullied me all my high school life is the man I fell for. 

   Well, how does this happened? You see, after Lizzy depart from me, life has been going easy and I was living the dream. However, with her absence, it was never the same. During recess I would sit at the back of the school, looking at the blue sky, talking as if Lizzy was here. Even though Cody and his companion stop bulling, he still keep an eye on me. I was curious and so I asked him why he do so. He told me that he has feeling for me since I transferred. I didn't believe so, but when I thought of it, it make me realized that he was never the one do the bullying. He was always the one sitting aside keeping an eye on me. From all the attention from him, soon I fell for him. 

   With my other hand, I held onto the little fingers of my six-year-old son, we made our way out together.

   I was really lucky and happy to be able to have a family of my own. It was something I never thought I would have. Again, I am really grateful that Lizzy came to my life and changed me into a better person. The time I spent with her was priceless and cannot be replaced. Even now, after a decade, those memories with her is still vivid in my mind, as those were the time when I was another me but not me.